The Roach and I

There it was, huge, black and dirty. And it was more than ready to scurry it’s way down my throat through my open mouth.

It had been frozen in place on the wall when I first realized what I was dealing with. I had just come out of the restroom when I remembered I had forgotten two pieces of toast I had made for dinner in convection oven. I figured I could just toast them a little more and have them as a little night time snack; waste not want not.

I had only taken one step towards my task when I saw it. There against the white of kitchen wall was the biggest cockroach I had ever seen. It was massive, bigger than my thumb, and it was in MY house!

I stood still as the roach scurried its way down my wall and I watched as it disappeared to gawd knows where. My mouth was agape as stood there thinking ‘there is no way that was what I think it was. NO WAY!’ And yet it was exactly that, a cockroach.

I had prided myself on the fact that I had yet to encounter such a bug in my apartment. Japan is known for giving people the wonderful opportunity of being able to live among these little guys. Other ALTs had mentioned time and time again about the cockroaches they encountered in their homes. I had not been gifted with such tails, that is until last night.

What the hell was I supposed to do? Should I just leave it and act as if nothing happened, that I had seen nothing? No, I couldn’t do that. There was no way I could let the thing continue to hide somewhere in my apartment.

I kept envisioning myself asleep all cozy in bed and Mr. Roach crawling up my bed, up onto the side of my face where it would pause at my cheek. It’s long whisker like antenna feeling their way across my face like gentle caresses agents my lips, nose, and skin. The tickle of his touch would cause my lips to part into a wide open mouthed yawn. He would then dive into the open abyss of my mouth, there Mr. Roach would then be trapped as the gate to his freedom, my lips, would close behind him. My teeth would clamp down on his hard outer shell, and with a soft crunch he would be no more. While the sleeping would continue to dream.

There was no way in hell that was going to happen.

In emergency situations, or in this case bug removal events, I am always the collected one. I do what needs to be done in a clam, but quick witted manner. I am the person who does well in critical/disastrous situations that deal with things like bugs, snakes, rats, blood, and/or gore. You name it I am likely in control!

Last night was not one of those times.

I freaking lost it. I went into total girlie shriek mode. I was in a total panic while I tried to figure out how to get rid of the thing. The paranoid me was totally worried about Mr. Roach popping up to freak me the hell out. I NEVER REACT THAT WAY! Not even in haunted houses!

With shaking hands, sweating palms, and heavy breaths I decited to keep on going.

I slowly removed a box and a few other various items from around my refrigerator and the wall where Mr. Roach had disappeared around. Still jumpy and freaked, I was overly relieved that he had not been hidden in the items I had moved. But that only meant one thing, he was under the refrigerator…

Taking a deep breath I wiped my hands on my shirt. The game of hide and seek was far from over. I placed my right hand on the front right corner of the refrigerator and with my left hand I hooked it around the far back corner. Hugging the fridge, I slowly started to shimmy it away from the back wall. I hoped beyond hope that the huge black roach would stay still while I took way his dark hiding place.

I did my best to peak at the floor as I slowly continued on with my task. With one last tug I found him, in the center of the wooden floor between the fridge and the wall. His antenna whipping back and forth looking for any signs of danger.

I had him in my sights. I slowly reached over to my right to close the open bedroom door. There was no way he was going to be running off into my bedroom. Hell to the NO!

But now what? Do I try to reach down and catch him? Do I kill him? WILL MORE SHOW UP IF I KILL HIM?! Will the cent of his death call forth the dreamons of the underworld to plague my home with more creepy crawlers that would love to invade my mouth as I slumbered?! WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

I was so worked up that I was sweating from every pore on my body. My knees were sweating from christ sake!

That’s when I saw it. To my right was the swifer sweeper, it leaned forgotten against a wall between my bedroom and bathroomdoor. Perfect, I had a weapon. What now? Squash or trap, my only two options at the time. I chose to fight the good fight.

I lifted my weapon high above the roach, ready to slam it down upon his grotesque form. But he sensed my intent and started to scurry off. “Fuck!” I cried out. “Don’t you dare get away from me!”

He ran from corner to corner, he was trapped but he was too quick for me. I thrust my weapon at him twice but to no avail. My aim had been off and I couldn’t keep up with his quick shuffling feet.

He started to make a break for it.

He was running for the ultimate exit, the outside door. It wasn’t open for an easy escape but I knew I had to end it now. With one powerful trust of my weapon I pinned him between the cloth covered padding of my floor mop and the bottom molding of the kitchen cupboard.

Mr. Roach had met his end on the cold wooden floor below the kitchen sink.

My heart was pounding in my chest as I glared at the place I knew him to be trapped. Was he really dead or just pinned there? Would I try to remove the cloth padding from then end of the floor mop? What if he starts to scurry way?!

“No, this ends here.” I said to my trapped monster. That was when I started to apply more pressure pushing down on the mops handle, shoving him further into the cupboards molding. Silence hung in the room. No crunching sound, no gut squeezing sounds, nothing. Just silence.

I needed to be sure he was dead.

Still keeping the pressure applied to the mop I moved it back and forth several times. Smearing him further into the floor and wall that I had him pinned to. No way was Mr. Indestructible-Roach making it out of this one! I didn’t care if he was supposed to be able to survive nuclear war. He was not going to survive this.

It took me several moments to get the courage to remove the mop from its place again the floor. I still wasn’t sure he was dead, but I needed to finish what I had started. I removed the mop to find that I had in fact squished him, but the bastard was still alive!

His butt had exploded from the pressure I had applied but his head and feet still moved about, along with his freaking antenna! I needed to get rid of him fast!

I jumped into action. I removed the fabric duster from the mob and used it to take his body off the floor and into my hand. Fuck, now what? My brain screamed at me. ‘What do I do with shit I need to get rid of fast?’

“The toilet,” I told myself. Racing into the the small square that enclosed my toilet I threw him into the water filled bowl and flushed. Water came splashing down the sides of the bowl sweeping him away. Down into a watery grave.

Just to be sure I flushed the toilet more five times after that. No way he is making his way back up to my apartment.

I was panting, the event still vivid in my mind. The adrenaline still pumping through my veins. My hands shook as I stood right next to the crime scene. I needed to get ride of the evidence, clean up what was left of Mr. Roach.

I finally know the rush a person gets after a murder.

The rest of my night was restless. Between the ever growing paranoia that there was thousands of other cockroaches roaming about the apartment and the thought that demon Mr. Roach was going to return, I didn’t get much sleep. My eyes would close but the haunting images of my impending doom would be right there waiting.

I might have won the battle, but I didn’t win the war.


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