I have pre-brithday blues…
Warning: this post is intended for self venting. It may contain some marital not suited for those who don’t like whining. Which may include self pity, childish whining, and a dash of selfishness.
You have been warned.
Yeah, pre-birthday blues.
Over the years I have grown to not look forward to my birthday. Since childhood growing up has gotten harder with each passing year. The joy and wonder that used to fill my heart has grown bitter and gray.
There still are moments when that childlike spark of joy flickers to life. At those moments my heart will swell and race with a rush of warm that happiness brings! But just as quickly as it starts the spark flickers out.
This year is my “golden” birthday. Meaning that I will become the same age as the day I was born. I am turning 27 this year; my birthday is on the 27th of May. Seems like it could be a really special thing, but really it is in name only.
Most people will try to make the golden one something special. Some will travel to a place they have always wanted to go, have a large themed party, or buy something expensive for them-selves.
Me? It seems as though I will be a party of one; I will celebrate alone.
There are many reasons for this, but the main reason is that people are busy and I have just given up. The Yamaguchi girls will go to an onsen for a girl’s spa weekend. The boy will be busy with his family and work. My family is back in the states. It also happens to fall on a Saturday this year so my students won’t be around and most of my close friends all work or live too far away.
Sure I could go with the girls to the onsen, but there are those with whom I would rather not spend my birthday with. I am already not looking forward to my birthday, why add to the irritation. There is just the simple fact that a person can’t always like and get along with everyone. That and I don’t feel like faking happy.
It looks like I might have to bug the boys to do something, but they likely just want to go drinking. Which could be good, but it is expensive.
A part of me is trying to be happy but I am still a little disappointed. I always thought there would be something special about this golden birthday. While I have already been happy from spending Golden Week with the boy and the fantastic new glasses he has given me as a birthday present, I still know I will be alone on the 27th.
So in the end I fear this year is going to be as disappointing as other birthdays have been; wonderful…
There will always be a part of me that wishes for a birthday that is filled with surprises and wonder. I was spoiled last year with love from my students and Sumi-chan. They showered me with good wishes and treats. But Sumi-chan isn’t here anymore and because she isn’t here the students won’t know it’s my birthday. The loneliness the thought brings feels as though my family has forgotten me…
Still, we all grow older, wiser, and stronger with each passing moment. It is how you use those moments that shape who we are. I will just have to remember the joy of birthdays past. To remind myself to look for the good in the day, not the little disappointing things that come along. As Mama would have said, “chins up and smiles all the way.”
So here is to another year gone by and to it hopefully shaping a better stronger me. Happy 27th Birthday to me, may something surprisingly good happen this year.