Looking into the mirror can be disheartening. I see all the faults I have unfairly deem unfaltering. Every fatty roll mixed with every blemish, disgusting. It is all I ever see and makes the battle for who I am and who I think I should be an endless mind game. I know I am not alone, that others battle against inner demons just as I do. But being who I am, I still let it weigh heavily on my shoulders.
Since I started my journey with weight loss and eating healthier I have become more spiteful towards my own self image. What has gotten me so disheartened with myself?
A dreadful word. Religions consider it a sin. Mankind has done the craziest things because of this one word. Envy. Blood has been shed because of it, some have lied for it, and many have died for it.
“Our envy always lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy.”
― François de La Rochefoucauld
Though my situation is not that dyer, the tight sting of guilt and pain in my chest makes the envy all the more real. I let it eat away at my thoughts, my actions, and my ideals. I am struggling with the longing I have to be loved by someone. I envy those who have a special someone. Be it a lover, a boyfriend, the guy they just randomly hooked up with for the day. It is something I have not experienced. It is something I envy.
Okay, yes. I had one boy friend back in the fifth grade, but that isn’t relative to my point. We held hands a few times and he would not let me buy my own soda pop. Nothing like those who are truly dating or in love would interact. He was not a special someone.
What is beauty? What is love? What is wrong with loving me?
Living in another country has added to this longing or need to be loved. Thoughts of what it would be like to share this experience with a partner have become more frequent. Many times I shrug it off as being home sickness, but deep down I know it is more than that. Some may even try to tell me it is culture shock. Think what you will.
Longing for love has lead myself esteem to run rampant against my body image and appearance. I have become envious of the thin well dressed woman of this country. Fashion plays and important roll in society here. Even house wives running errands are well put together. There are no people of Walmart to be found here. Though fashion in my area of Japan is not wild and out there like to Tokyo fashion, it still is more thought out when compared to my lazy Minnesotan American look.
I get told often that I am cute. I hear it from my students, teachers, and a few other ALTs. In our current day and age society deems being cute is not good enough. Media tells us that sexy is what we should strive to be. Model thin, but still curvy in all the right places. We know these types of woman don’t exist. That media creates these types of women. Then why I am trying to hard to fit into a mold I know isn’t real?
I have lost a signification amount of weight. I know that I am thinner than I was three years ago. I know that my health has drastically improved. I know all this and yet I still feel like I am a walking Michelin Man (Bibendum).
Trying to be happy in a world where you feel alone, under-dressed, and undesirable will mess with the strongest of people. Both woman and men alike. We are all envious of things we don’t have. Things that we can’t have. Things that belong to others.
Life is a never ending struggle. I second guess my life choices a the time. I deal with the bitter sting of longing. I suppress desires. I am envious of things I wish I could be. In the end I am just fighting a battle with my inner demons.
I am not saying that if I find someone I will be happy. I don’t need to have a lover. That having this kind of person will solve all my life issues. But isn’t it “better to have loved than to never have loved at all?” – Alfred Lord Tennyson
The hard work that has gone into my weight loss and the urge to live a healthier life style was a goal I made for myself. Never was it started to appease someone else. This envy I have is a black speck that has grown in my heart over the years. People ask things like, “Do you have a boyfriend?” “No, I haven’t really ever had one.” They then look surprised, “EH?! Why not? You don’t want one?” Making the constant questioning of ‘what is wrong with someone like me‘ defining.
I reach out to others trying to receive praise for who I am. It will make the pain in my heart subside, even if it is only for a moment.
I don’t have the answer. There are pros and cons to being alone in life. Freedoms that come along with it, but still longing will remain. I can only look in the mirror and smile at the person reflected back at me. I know that she has worked hard to be who she is today. That she is strong woman who has done and will continue to do many great things. I know that she has suffered. I know that she has faults but there is beauty hidden within all of it. Each day is a struggle to try to love the woman reflected in the glass. With each new day I see a better person, even though today and possibly still tomorrow, she is a little envious.
Post was inspired by a one word prompt: ENVY