I have loved and I have hated.

Sitting on the train headed to a day of shopping and shenanigans in Hiroshima with a fellow ALT I find myself fashion searching. I guess you could say it’s similar to checking people out. I mean as I sit here darting my eyes back and forth to see how people are dressed, their figure type, and how they have their makeup applied, I come off as a total creep.
In recent weeks I have cut back on how much I’m eating daily vs how much I’m moving. Since my foot has been acting up, it has been very little. Little movement means less food.I’m not starving myself, I’m just cutting back. Not sure how healthy this is but it’s what I’m doing at the moment. What I eat is healthy and full of nutrition.
How does this relate to my people creeping? Well, as I am creeping on the styles and figure types of others, I am questioning my wardrobe and body size.
Being an American I feel that we often are lazy when it comes to what we wear. Not that I have ever looked at being fashionable in the past, but my interest has been pricked while living here in Japan. Everyone is always dolled up and looking fantastic! Even if they are melting away in the heat of summer.
Since I started my journey down the road of weight loss there has been many bumps, road blocks, and U-turns. I have come a long way from who I was three years ago. I am living a healthier lifestyle and experienced many new things while on this journey. But while I smile on the outside I’m often battling myself on the inside.
Now I know I’m never going to be the thin, cute, feminine little thing that is sitting across from me on this train. I am not really looking for that. This journey is about me feeling good about myself. Sometimes I forget this important fact. While I’m judging others, I’m constantly judging myself at the same time. Comparing my size and shape, my outfit of the day, and so on. While someday`s it’s a good thing, it helps me put away all the sugary treats. Other days it makes looking in the mirror difficult. Imperfections and fatty rolls just punch me in the face.
What is important on days like that? I must tell myself “you are beautiful, you are working very hard to better yourself, you are amazing! Smile and show the world who Amanda is!”
Fashion has its place. Being fit does as well. But being who you are is always the best choice. So, sorry if this little rant doesn’t do anything for you, but for those who are reading this and struggle with body image, fashion, and loving yourself you are not alone. Most of the world struggles with this everyday, some more than others. The question is, are you going to be someone who lets it beat you down or make you stronger? I think I’m going to try for the latter.

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